workplace

Hearing criticism about your work — whether it's the deck you put together for a presentation, how you ran a sales meeting or the way you interface with coworkers — is tough. It's also impossible to avoid — and that's not a bad thing.

"There is only one way to avoid criticism," wrote Aristotle, is to "do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing."

You are something. You are someone who is doing your best at work. Criticism is a sign that you're actively engaged in the process of trying and improving. Sure, you're thinking. But that doesn't make it sting any less. So how can you handle criticism with the grace of Princess Diana? Some tips from the pros.

Focus on the other person

Surprising, right? According to Deb Bright, head of executive coaching firm Bright Enterprises, which counts Disney, GE, Morgan Stanley, and Marriott among its clients, and author of the book The Truth Doesn't Have to Hurt: How to Use Criticism to Strengthen Relationships, Improve Performance, and Promote Change, the first job of anyone receiving criticism is to make the person giving it feel comfortable.

"Think about it," Bright tells Fortune. "Most managers hate giving performance appraisals, because they dread how someone is going to react to anything negative. So they tend to rush through the discussion just to get it over with."

By shifting your focus off yourself and onto your boss, you redirect your attention away from your emotional response. It's an exciting kind of mental trick, to boot, in that it reminds you of your power in the situation.

"You are the one in control here," Bright says. "How you respond will determine how the discussion goes, and how much or little you get out of it."

Listen

"People often think they're listening when in fact they are anticipating their own response or explanation to the criticism," career coach Ashley Stahl writes on Forbes. Jot down some notes while your manager is talking — the only thing worse than hearing negative feedback is hearing it twice.

Note the difference between fact and opinion:

A fact is quantitative: You missed your sales goal by $20,000. An opinion is qualitative and often vague: You don't communicate well with your peers. As you listen, parse facts from opinions.

Don't take it personally

Opinion, in particular, can be a reflection of the person giving it. Often, what we see in another person is a reflection of something that we are afraid to see in ourselves. This can become a kind of circular realization — your manager is reacting to you based on them, and you're responding to your manager's reaction to you based on you — oy vey! The point is to realize that there is a complex matrix of factors contributing to how we read and are read by others. Understanding that can help you take any opinion-based feedback less personally. What you're hearing is not The Truth from On High — it's your manager's perspective. As Georgia O'Keefe said: "The critics are just talking about themselves."

Hear the value of the criticism

Keep an ear cocked for the feedback that is useful — which is, after all, what feedback is intended to be. "What you can learn in a performance appraisal are things you may need, not just right now, but later on," Bright says. If you've heard the same areas for improvement the past couple of years, chances are you've got a growth opportunity on your hands.

Ask questions

If you're unclear on any feedback, be sure to ask for clarifications, and do so in a positive and specific (rather than defensive) way. For example, "When you mentioned that my data tables were too busy, would it be better to separate the information into sub-tables or do I just need to adjust the presentation style, in terms of font type and size?" You can also ask for suggestions, like, "How can I do this better next time?"

Ask for and provide concrete action steps

Think about how you can address the feedback you've received with a practical fix or two. "For example, you might suggest starting to 'communicate better with your peers' by updating them in person every week instead of through an occasional email," Bright suggests. You can do this at the time of feedback, but this is also a meaningful way to follow-up on a meeting and demonstrate that you've heard the feedback and have an action plan for improvement.

Trust that the feedback is well-intentioned

Nine times out of ten, the feedback is coming from a place of good intention and a desire to help you improve and succeed in your work. If you can remember that, you can see the feedback less as critical and adversarial and can maintain your dignity and self-esteem, notes Stahl.

Say "thank you" at the end of the conversation

"Even if someone is harsh and rude, thank them," writes Leo Babuta at zen habits. "They might have been having a bad day, or maybe they're just a negative person in general. But even so, your attitude of gratitude will probably catch them off-guard." Taking the high road and being the bigger person can win critics over. It's also a way of calming the ego and reminding yourself to be humble.

The takeaway

"No one goes through a whole career hearing only great feedback," Bright says. "In fact, if you haven't heard any constructive criticism lately, it means you probably aren't learning anything."

Roosevelt had some thoughts on this: "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because this is no effort without error and shortcoming…"

Which all seems like a rather long-winded way of saying: If at first, you don't succeed, try, try again. That's when the magic happens.

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Coworkers are like family — we don't get to choose them. When you said yes to that great gig with flexibility, excellent benefits, and tons of vacation, you didn't know you'd be working beside Snipey Suzy or Condescending Connie. So how do you deal when you have to work with someone you truly can't stand? We've got the goods on how to make your work life bearable again.

Recognize they're not trying to drive you crazy

Here's something key to keep in mind for every relationship, not only a workplace one. Not everyone is like you. Expecting people to think, perform, and react like you isn't only unrealistic — it's a recipe for constant frustration.

In her book, How to Work With and Lead People Not Like You, Kelly McDonald notes it's important to recognize that this person isn't trying to drive you bananas. They're just being themselves. Just that little bit of perspective can help keep your own reactions to their maddening sardine lunch or hour-long personal calls in check.

Manage the only thing you can control

You can't control how your co-worker runs the Monday morning meeting or responds to email. But you can control your reaction. In fact, it's the only thing you can control.

Some experts recommend a daily relaxation method. Instead of letting a behavior trigger a negative reaction, reframe the trigger — say, when your coworker tells a long, unrelated personal anecdote that makes the meeting run overtime — to take ten slow, deep breaths. Or maybe you start listening to a morning meditation on your way into work.

"Cultivating a diplomatic poker face is important," Ben Dattner, an organizational psychologist and author of The Blame Game told LifeHack. "You need to be able to come across as professional and positive."

Why? Research shows the more people like you, the easier, more productive, and more profitable, your life will be. In a way, you're being healthily selfish, and protecting your own reputation and sanity at work.

Take it personally

This can be hard to hear, but might it be that the thing that drives you crazy about your coworker is actually a quality you hate in yourself? Peter Bregman, author of Leading with Emotional Courage, says recognizing this possibility can make working with someone you don't like suddenly a lot more interesting.

"Getting to know them better, and accepting the parts of them you don't like, is actually getting to know yourself better and accepting the parts of yourself you don't like," he wrote for the Harvard Business Review. "Being compassionate with yourself is the key to being compassionate with others. Before you know it, you'll actually begin to like people you never liked before. Maybe you'll even feel like helping them run those meeting more productively."

Recognize the value of a squeaky wheel

While it might make your life more fun to work on a team of people you'd like to spend a week with at the beach, it's not exactly the best strategy for an effective work team.

"You need people who have different points of view and aren't afraid to argue," Robert Sutton, a professor of management science at Stanford University, told LifeHack. "They are the kind of people who stop the organization from doing stupid things."

The coworker who is always negative? Seen another way, they might have a gift for seeing growth opportunities.

Work closer together

Instead of trying to avoid the person, try the opposite tactic. Seek them out. Work together.

"One of the best ways to get to like someone you don't like is to work on a project that requires coordination," Sutton told the Harvard Business Review. Working together will help you understand why this person is the way they are — a teething baby at home or a chronic health issue, say — and that can help you develop empathy.

"You might feel compassion instead of irritation," said Daniel Goleman, the co-director of the Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence in Organizations at Rutgers University, and author of The Brain and Emotional Intelligence: New Insights.

Worst case? You see your common human bonds, Jenny Brockis, a medical practitioner and the founder of Brainfit told The Huffington Post Australia, whether that means bonding over rush hour traffic or the latest BBC period piece.

Give zero f*cks

This might be your last recourse, but if you truly can't find a single redeeming quality to this person you feel truly stuck, Sutton recommends you "practice the fine art of emotional detachment or not giving a shit."

This is, put another way, a more pessimistic version of managing the only thing you can control: yourself. Only instead of deep breathing and singing kumbaya under your breath, you're effectively shrugging it off.

"If he's being a pain but you don't feel the pain, then there's no problem," said Goleman.

The business landscape of 2019 is changing with the turbulent times, and to succeed will require high emotional intelligence as well as mental acuity.

According to business strategists and high-powered employers, the most valuable skills an employee can have are a mix of in-demand "hard," or technical and knowledge-based, skills and "soft," or behavioral and attitudinal, strengths. Here are the top 10 skills to help you succeed in 2019:

1.Problem solving

It takes holistic thinking to be able to grasp a problem quickly and produces viable plan. But strong problem-solving skills also require a continual process of absorbing information and taking multiple factors into consideration.

2. Critical thinking

Delving into a problem beyond the surface is the extra step it takes to be the most productive. Furthermore, in the trial and error process that can occur when plans go wrong, looking at a problem from multiple angles becomes vital.

3. Creativity

Be a unique contribution to your workplace. According to Marty Neumeier, "It is important to keep learning. Others cannot duplicate or reproduce your original work. If you want to be original, you have to become an inventor and build the foundation to the structure of your invention from scratch."

4. Communication

In a media-laden world of constant information, the ability to not only retain but transmit information is highly valued. Both written and oral communication build the connections that keep teams together and tasks goal-oriented.

5. Empathy

Whether working with co-workers or clients, the ability to recognize and respect others' emotions and sensibilities and respond accordingly is an irreplaceable skill.

6. Time Management

This straightforward skill has clear advantages of keeping yourself and your team on-task and productive in the most efficient use of time.

7. Collaboration

The ability to be a team player is crucial in a workplace. Working well with others enhances productivity and morale, even during times of high stress.

8. Resourcefulness

Combining creativity and problem-solving skills with heightened awareness of the work space and its resources allows optimal productivity. Employers notice workers who are able to face a challenge head on and achieve their goals despite it .

9. Adaptability

When things inevitably deviate from scheduled plans, it's crucial to have the "cognitive flexibility" to be able to improvise. As Alvin Toffler said, "The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."

10. Cultural Awareness

Similar to empathy, employers are recognizing now more than ever that in order to contribute meaningful work to the public employees must demonstrate cultural awareness. That means recognizing and appreciating diversity in terms of acknowledging the needs of disparate communities and being sensitive to ongoing issues within those groups.

In 2019, the most valuable skills an employee can have combine humanity with efficiency. Whether a company provides a product or a service, it's vital to understand how society can benefit from the fruits of its labor.

No one's job is easy, even when things are smooth sailing.

But when your job starts to feel more challenging out of the blue, it may be time to sit up and pay close attention. Lynn Taylor, the author of Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant: How to Manage Childish Boss Behavior and Thrive in Your Job, told Business Insider that the savviest professionals always keep an eye out for the classic signs that their job is in danger.

If and when you notice red flags popping up, you can attempt to turn the tides before it's too late. That said, it's not always easy for employees to pick up these signs. "What's important is to be alert of situations around the office to ensure the security of your position in the company," Ryan Kahn, a career coach and author of Hired! The Guide for the Recent Grad, told Forbes. Here are the most common signs that you could be walking the line between hired and fired.

You've received a poor performance review:

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Most people on the job are subject to an annual review, that awkward one-on-one meeting with your boss where they're obligated to offer you constructive criticism. Most bosses won't turn down the opportunity! But if you find yourself leaving the meeting feeling completely slammed with a whole wheelbarrow full of unexpected complaints, it might be time for a reality check. "Critical performance reviews could be a major sign that your job is in jeopardy," Kerr told Business Insider. If this happens to you, it might be a great idea to start looking around for other opportunities before you need to. Meanwhile, try to stay calm and work towards making improvements in the areas that were brought to your attention.

You've been left out of the loop or removed from projects:

When your colleagues are working on new projects, or attending meetings that somehow never made it onto your calendar, you'd better pay more attention to the dynamics. Keeping you out of the loop is often one of the biggest signs that trouble's around the corner. "The more distance, the better--and since they [colleagues] know you'll soon be gone, they want information to stay proprietary," says Taylor.

You sense tension with the boss, or with other employees:

Work environments can feel like families—there's no shortage of competition, camaraderie, and casual banter. Think of what your "baseline" for good relationships with your boss and your colleagues would be. Has that deteriorated into petty digs and heavy sighs? If you feel like your colleagues are doing anything and everything to limit communications around the office—whether personal, or work-related—it might be time to polish up your resume.

Written complaints about your work are piling up:

Too many emails detailing small work issues can add up to a big problem!pngimg.com

Your email has blown up with the strangest things lately: "Hi X, I've noticed that the latest memo you sent out had a couple of mistakes that I thought we had cleared up. Just FYI!" If the FYI's are mounting up in your inbox, your boss and colleagues could be working to build a case against you. Or, not. This isn't a marching order to feel paranoid, but rather to take a serious look at written communications between you and your colleagues that are changing in tenor from easy to terse, with a whole new level of specificity. Also, be mindful of who's being cc:d on these communications. If you notice that supervisors are being brought into the complaint loop, it's important to pay attention.

Request for details about expenses and more job oversight:

Don't get in trouble for slipping your cat food into the petty cash fund!c1.staticflickr.com

Being a bean-counter is one of the worst parts of running a business. Keeping track of every little expense can be tedious, even for the most Type-A organized people. Petty cash privileges are implied in a lot of jobs. If you've been doing a decent job of gathering up your expenses and filing them without getting them bounced back for careful review, that's a sign that you're being trusted to do the right thing. If, however, your boss makes a change in tone and requests receipts and lengthy-explanations for every penny spent, you may be getting a signal that things aren't as copacetic as they used to be. Be sure to keep all of your receipts in case accounting suddenly becomes more intense.

It's important to listen to your intuition. If you begin to have doubts about your standing in the workplace, don't push those feelings aside. Don't panic—but pay attention to warning signs and address them as they arise rather than let them pile up.