Money talks!
Financial transparency is hot. Not talking about money is the new dating ick.
For years, we’ve been taught not to talk about money. At all. Not at work, for fear of being punished by our employers. With friends, for fear of being braggy. And definitely not on dates — up there with politics, religion, and your IBS.
Yet, when we break down these outdated taboos, we suddenly realize we’ve been misled. Turns out, talking about salaries at work is the best way to advocate for yourself, for each other, promote solidarity (and plan strikes!) with your co-workers, and achieve higher salaries across the board. Talking about money at work may be the only way to get an adequate raise — the economy is big thumbs down right now, so odds are you’re not going to get the raise you deserve without asking for it.
In our friendships, financial transparency opens up a deeper level of vulnerability but also empowerment. Founder of Behave, Candy Mayssa Chehata went viral on TikTok for sharing how a salary conversation with a friend directly correlated to her doubling her salary. Candy had been told that no one her age earned over $200,000 in her particular role.
But when she discussed it with her friend, who was earning that same amount, she gained enough confidence to pursue a higher salary — and receive it. Notice a trend? Despite old school edicts, talking about money leads to mutual support among our friends and peers which can open up opportunities.
It’s the same within relationships. Everyone wonders if there are financial dating rules.
Gone are the days when money discussions were considered taboo. In 2024, as millennials and Gen Z navigate an increasingly complex financial landscape — from student loan debt to soaring housing costs — being transparent about money isn’t merely smart; it’s essential for building healthy, lasting relationships.
The New (Financial) Rules of Dating
Dating has certainly changed since the Bridgerton Era. It’s changed even more in the past few decades. For so long, the rules were courtship, then marriage, tying your life together, crossing your fingers and hoping for the best. And within this heteronormative structure, the husband handled the finances, and the wife didn’t mind her pretty little head about such matters.
But that’s all over now. The new era means we have new rules of dating. And one of the biggest rules to ensure your independence is to talk about money early and often.
The modern dating scene is seeing a shift toward financial discussions early on. I’m not suggesting that you reveal your bank balances and credit card debt to each other in lieu of small talk. And we all know friends with a dating horror story about a finance bro that bragged about his “comp” and bonus all through their first date.
But while you don’t need to share your credit score on the first date, having general conversations about career goals, spending habits, and financial values should happen early. And if your relationship is going somewhere serious, make plans to talk about your money mindset alongside your other goals.
Just like you discuss your emotional needs, regular money talks should be an integral part of your overall relationship plans. Many successful couples schedule monthly “money dates” to discuss everything from daily expenses to long-term financial goals. There are no “financial dating rules” per se, but it’s important to talk about.
According to a recent study by Planning & Progress Study by Northwestern Mutual, 32% of Gen Z adults and 40% of millennials say an honest conversation about your finances and long-term goals should happen before a relationship gets serious. Financial planner Kyle Menke, founder and CEO of Menke Financial (a firm connected to the report), says: “Millennials and Gen Z [are] living through a lot of different events, perhaps very, very quickly. It’s making it a really important conversation for them.”
For this generation, living through unprecedented times has made for unprecedented financial strain — and that’s going to affect our dating rules. Many of us are juggling freelance gigs, side hustles, and traditional jobs while trying to save for an uncertain future. Add dating into the mix, and things get even more complicated. Who pays for dinner? How do you split rent if you move in together? And most importantly, how do you ensure you’re both on the same financial page?
Why you should break those boring, old money rules
If rules are boring, money rules are the most boring. So why not break them? Well, for most people, it’s not as easy as it sounds. We’re conditioned to be secretive and shameful about our money. Since we view money as a measure of success, admitting you have debt — even if it’s student loan debt that we were all advised to sign in high school — can feel like admitting that you’ve failed in some way. Of course, this isn’t true. Yet, our net worth can feel like the sum total of our self-worth.
Being honest and direct about your financial situation is an integral part of an open, supportive relationship. And initiating these conversations can help create a safe space for honest discussions. Talk about challenges you’ve overcome or lessons you’ve learned about money management and your financial goals.
You also don’t have to jump straight into numbers. Start with broader discussions about financial values and goals. Ask questions like:
- What’s your earliest memory with money and how did that shape you? This is called your money story. Knowing each story can help you get to the root of the emotions surrounding money. Money is often tied up with messy feelings. You’ll probably find out a lot about your partner’s childhood with this question.
- What does financial security mean to you? Knowing this is much deeper than knowing someone’s dream salary. We’d all like to be making six figures, but why? What things — from travel to owning your home outright — does your potential partner value? How do they see money as a tool to create a life? Do you want to build that life with them?
- How do you envision your lifestyle in five years? Now you’ve established your dreams, this question gets to the brass tacks. Identifying someone as a dreamer, a doer, or both can help you envision what your future will look like. And if you plan on growing together, their plans should be a huge part of your plans, too.
Getting to the root of the emotional side of money can help prevent shame spiraling. Those with an all-or-nothing mindset can get stuck feeling defeated, guilty, and self-sabotage. Worst case scenario, a partner who is deliberately left in the dark can be exploited and end up a victim of financial infidelity or financial abuse. Women often face greater financial risks when they remain in the dark about their partner’s finances. So, if your partner refuses to invite you into the finances, it’s a major red flag.
According to experts, financial secrets can be just as damaging to relationships as emotional infidelity. Studies show that money disagreements are among the leading causes of relationship tension.
But financial transparency isn’t about combining bank accounts or losing independence — or splitting everything 50/50 despite wage disparities. Instead, it’s about having the information you need to make empowered decisions about your future. You can maintain separate finances while still being open about your financial situation and goals.
Here’s how to talk about money with your partner:
In today’s world, financial transparency is a necessity for building healthy, lasting relationships. Financial dating rules can be tricky to navigate, but it’s super important to talk about if you want to build a future together.
The key to successful financial transparency is creating a judgment-free zone where both partners feel safe discussing money matters. This helps you build a stronger, more equitable partnership. By having open conversations about money early in relationships, you’re not just protecting your financial future; you’re creating a foundation of trust and mutual understanding to help your relationship thrive.
Here are the steps to take to start these (scary!) conversations and break all the dating rules that are no longer serving your relationship:
- Acknowledge the Power Gap: Shoutout to the patriarchy. In heterosexual relationships, it’s critical to acknowledge and actively work against traditional power dynamics where men control the finances. Both partners should have equal knowledge and say in financial decisions, regardless of who earns more. But if one partner earns more, equity should be considered when it comes to splitting things from dates to bills. And FYI: earning more doesn’t mean your partner is exempt from household chores.
- Start Small: Talk about money abstractly at first to get a sense of each other’s values, then get into the nitty-gritty. After you’ve gotten over the first money chat, schedule monthly financial check-ins where you discuss both individual and shared financial goals.
- Share Financial Goals: Be open about your career aspirations, any debt you’re working to pay off, and savings targets. How can your partner support you? Can they offer any advice? Can this understanding help shape the trajectory of your relationship?
- Plan for the Future: Share your long-term financial vision, including retirement plans and major life goals. Then, talk about how you’ll approach them together.
Good luck! Remember to watch out for financial red flags! Short of those, get ready to enter a new era of transparency and empowerment.
