The Failson's Guide to Being Born Rich
Everyone wants to be rich, but not everyone is good at it.
You, on the other hand, have had your whole life to practice being rich, without the distraction of developing any skills or working for a living. You make coasting through life look easy! Still, there are some pitfalls to being born with everything you'll ever need, especially when interacting with those less fortunate. So from failson to failson, here are some tips and tricks to living your best life in the shade of your parents' money-tree.
Befriend Some Poors
She doesn't know she wants to be your friend yet
It's important to stay grounded. If you only ever hang out with Trey and Ashlynn at the polo club, you'll lose touch with the commoners. That's not you. You're the kind of Richie Rich that lives your truth and stays humble, so it's important that you look at poor people as a tool for learning. You can find some poors studying at a public university, or even behind the counter of your favorite coffee shop. Some barista's actually make what's known as "tipped wage," which, in New York, means they make $10/hour plus tips. Here's a tip, that means they're poor! They might resist your advances at first, but you let them know that they're just as good as you, in their own way. Tell them some stories about Milan, or the crew team—oh my god, crew team stories are the best!
Ask About Your Poor Friends’ Finances
You never had to learn about money... you just always knew
How are you going to learn if you don't ask questions? If they talk about their job, ask them how much they make. If they invite you to their apartment, look around for a few seconds, then take a guess at how much they pay in rent. Make sure it's a super low-ball guess, so you don't offend them. If they mention how much something cost—anything—be sure to ask if that's a lot of money for them. You might be surprised! You can even use these questions to help them improve their finances. If they're stressing about scraping together enough for their bills this month, say "Don't you have savings?" In order to retire by 65—30 years too late if you ask me—millennials should be putting about half their paychecks into savings, but chances are that your poor friends aren't doing that. This will nudge them in the right direction.
Split the Bill Evenly
Going out to dinner with your working class friends? Suggest the kind of place they probably haven't been before. Per Se? Say no more. They'll probably be a little uncomfortable and try to order something cheap, but you can set expectations by giving their "braised chicken breast" a little raised eyebrow, then ordering whatever comes with the most shaved truffle. When the bill comes, show your friends you see them as your equal by splitting it down the middle.
Treat Your Luxury Goods Like Shit
Oh, that old hunk of junk?
A lot of poor people think that the natively wealthy are all obsessed with status symbols and designer goods. Show them how superficial you think that stuff is by throwing your Louis bag on the floor like a sack of potatoes the moment you walk inside. If you take your poor friends to a rooftop bar with a pool, jump in with your Gucci loafers still on. Suggest a game of "streetball" at a public park, where they don't even charge you to play, and show up in your Balenciaga t-shirt to get your sweat on.
Talk About How Stressful Your Vacations Are
This shot seriously took like 20 takes, you guys
At this point, you pretty much get their whole deal. Their full-time job is stressing them out when they're at their part-time job, and their health insurance won't cover the yoga retreat in Iceland that you keep suggesting—blah blah blah. Show them that the grass isn't always greener just because it's treated with mink-scat fertilizer. You have your own sources of stress, and they'll feel better about their problems if you explain to them how much you had to work to "find yourself" on your trip to Peru—the llamas kept trying to eat your hair when you were posing for pictures, and that porter who carried your bags up the mountain could barely even speak proper Castellano (also, those guys only make like $30/day, so what are your poor friends even complaining about). See? Your life is hard too! Honestly, if your new friends don't get that, maybe they don't deserve you.
In fact, f*ck this whole thing. You don't need poor friends.
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