relationships

The Real Cost of Divorce for Women

Here's the sad truth: Divorce doesn't just break your heart; it can leave you broke.

When married, women's median weekly earnings are about 20 percent higher than women who are divorced, separated, widowed or who have never been married, reports US News and World Reportbased on figures from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Married women even have the edge on single men, earning almost 10 percent more than them, too.

But after divorce, a woman's financial profile plummets, falling by 41 percent, on average, nearly twice the income loss of divorced men, according to a report from the U.S. Government Accountability Office.

According to research by Stephen Jenkins, a professor at the London School of Economics, men, on the other hand, see their incomes rise more than 30 percent post-divorce.

The pay gap is partly to blame. In heterosexual marriages where both the man and woman are employed, the man out earns the woman 77.8 percent of the time, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

But the divide is not entirely accounted for by the difference in earning power between men and women so much as it is the pay disparity for the unpaid labor of parenting.

The main reason women bear the brunt of divorce's financial devastation, according to Jenkins, is that during the marriage, they are more likely than men to leave their careers to raise kids. "The key differences are not between men and women, but between fathers and mothers," he tells The Guardian.

Having stepped off the corporate ladder for a number of years, these child-rearing women may not have advanced as far in their careers as their spouses who didn't take off, leaving them less developed workplace skills and holes on their resumes.

"The dynamic is changing a little as more women are staying in the workforce and continuing and accelerating their careers," Nicole Mayer, a certified divorce financial analyst, and partner at financial planning firm RPG Life Transition Specialists tellsUS News and World Report, "but typically, divorce hits women harder than men."

And that's not even counting the bill of the divorce itself. According to Divorce Magazine, the cost of divorce can range from as little as $8,500 to over $100,000 for lawyers and legal fees. But if the split is amicable and you can take the DIY divorce route, you might be looking at a tab closer to the cost of an airline flight — from $200 to $500.

Remember: if the divorce isn't done yet, the price tag for lawyering up need not fall only on you, a divorce lawyer in Boston tells The Atlantic: "If someone calls me and says, 'I need an attorney but I have no money,' I remind them they're not divorced yet, so they actually do have money. In those cases, I file a motion asking for retaining fees and the other person's lawyer will cut a check."

In fact, in all divorce matters, it's important to remember your legal rights. Here's a big one: if you didn't sign a prenuptial agreement, and you live in Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nebraska, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, or Wisconsin, you're entitled to half of any assets acquired during the marriage. Those are joint assets to be divided equally. Even if your name isn't on the deed to the house, half of it is rightly yours.

You may have let your emotions get the better of you when you were falling in love, but don't let them cloud your judgment here at the end. The objective is to not let the pain of the breakup lead to further financial distress. Marie Claire found that women who wanted to "get it over with," experienced guilt over the end of the relationship, and those who trusted their exes to make good on promises once the divorce was finalized suffered financially.

"The silver lining [to divorce] is that most women feel much more confident, much more in control of their finances after the divorce than before," Natalie Colley, an analyst at financial planning firm Francis Financial tells US News and World Report. "That's because they're finally the ones in control of their finances."

"You always assumed there'd be two of you and maybe two 401(k)s and two IRAs, and that's now all changed," Mayer says. "So now it's really [about] updating your picture as a whole, your long-term picture."

And that can be a beautiful new image. It's time to start imagining your post-divorce dream.

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Life skills that should be taught in school

We're taught a lot of useful things in school (how to tell time, multiplication tables, how to find—or at least attempt to find—Oklahoma on a map) and some not so useful (geometry). But do you ever wish you'd been taught some real life skills instead? Skills you may have had to learn the hard way, e.g. paying off interest fees on a credit card or paying full sticker price for a car. As an adult you may try to teach your kids these lessons, but wouldn't it be great if they actually taught them in school? Here are some life lessons we should probably learn early, in order to avoid future mistakes.

Relationships matter

And not just our friendships, family, and romantic relationships. Ask multiple people how they landed the job at which they're currently working and you're bound to find at least a few who admit that they "knew someone." As anyone who has ever been on the market knows, securing a job is one of life's greatest stressors. It's like dating, but without the booze and possibility of sex. While the thought of networking may elicit a curled lip or exaggerated groan from most people, it's exceptionally important if you want to establish and grow your career.

You hate traffic too? Let's connect over coffee.

For those of you who'd prefer dentistry without Novocain to entering a room full of people you don't know and attempting to strike up a conversation, there are ways to make it more palatable and effective. The single most important tip for networking is not to exchange business cards or speak with as many people as possible, but rather to find people with whom you can form a long-term relationship. The woman who enthusiastically talked your ear off about her mushroom fertilizer business may have held court for 40 minutes, but it's the man with whom you bonded over a mutual love of ugly dog sweaters for two minutes who may actually be someone you'd want to see again, and could become friendly with.

Make a point to follow up on contacts you meet at networking events: grab coffee or a drink, send them a link to an article that they may find helpful, or simply drop a note to say "hi". Then comes the hard part – building the relationship. Do whatever you need to do to stay in touch with them, whether it's a reminder on your phone or a to-do list taped to your bathroom mirror. People will remember you and will be more open to helping you achieve your career goals because you they know you, not because they met you once at a mixer where you talked awkwardly while guzzling cheap white wine.

Never pay sticker price

Flea markets and craft fairs aside, we tend to think that the prices of most common products and services aren't negotiable. Not so. Even medical services are negotiable (yep, sometimes just letting a provider know you don't have insurance results in an automatic reduction). While rolling into Mark Jacobs and politely requesting a discount on the latest bag probably won't get you very far, one place where you should never pay full price is at the car dealership.

I do my best negotiating online

One strategy for getting the best possible deal on a car involves a little research, but it's well worth the effort. Start by identifying the exact car (or cars), including manufacturing year, you want to buy. Narrow it down to one if possible, but no more than two or three. Check the average value by using Kelly Blue Book so you have an idea of what prices to expect. Then identify several dealerships near you that have the car(s) and request a price from the sales team. Choose the lowest price and send that to yet another dealership that has your desired car. Tell them you were offered the car for that price at another dealership, but if they can beat it by X amount (go ahead, reach for the moon here – the worst they can say is no) then you'll buy it from them. Voila! You just scored yourself a great deal on a car. You can also try this strategy with medical expenses, home repairs, and other negotiable goods and services.

Use a credit card to build up your credit, not as a bottomless bank account

Think long and hard about that purchase before you pull out the plastic

You're probably no stranger to debt, which means you understand the concept of interest. Yes, that nefarious little percentage that ultimately results in paying way more than the original borrowed amount. If you think college loan and mortgage interest is high, a credit card's eye-popping percentage is often three to four times that rate.

To illustrate how much money you'll end up spending if you let your credit card debt accumulate, pretend you have a $3,000 balance on your card and you pay the minimum (say $25 every month). You'll end up paying a whopping $2800 in interest alone before you pay it off. The lesson here? Only buy what you can afford on a credit card, and pay it off monthly. If you hate carrying cash but can't help but splurge when you go shopping, use a debit card. It won't build up your credit but at least you won't be going into massive debt.

Learn how to budget

Speaking of using a credit card wisely, it's also smart to have a budget so you know how much you can afford to spend at a night out with the girls or for rent and groceries. Generally speaking, you shouldn't be spending more than 30% of your gross (before taxes) income on housing. Lifehacker's simple budgeting plan recommends the 20% rule for paying off debt: 20% of your monthly income goes towards debt, 10% to savings, and 70% for the rest.

You can sleep when you're dead

Helloooo wedding photographer

If you find that you're squeezed for cash once all your necessities are paid for, you may want to look into a side hustle. You don't have to be a master at a particular craft; there are plenty of side gigs that require very little skill. If you have an extra room you can rent it on Airbnb; if you enjoy driving you could try your hand at being a Lyft or Uber driver. Dog walking and sitting has also become a serious business, thanks to sites like Rover.com. If you love fur children you can make some decent scratch, especially if you walk or sit multiple dogs at once.

School curriculum has its shining moments, no doubt. Perhaps knowing the capitals of all fifty states will finally come in handy during trivia night at your local watering hole or maybe understanding the true meaning behind Wuthering Heights will help you imbue that blog post you wrote for your boss with true depth. But really, would it be too much to ask to replace calculus with a crash course on how to pay down debt?

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Q & A with Evan Marc Katz, CEO, EvanMarcKatz.com – Helping Women Understand Men and Find True Love

Finding the right partner can be tough, especially in the age of swiping right in the search for Mr. Right. Endlessly searching single women have commiserated with their equally dismayed girlfriends looking for love, as date after dreadful date they've become more convinced that their "Prince Charming" will never come… if he even exists. Meeting a decent fella at a seedy bar or through a well-meaning set-up gone south is a long shot, but the idea of living happily ever after with 5 cats doesn't make these gals look forward to growing old, all alone and covered in fur.

What's a woman who knows she has a lot to offer, but can't seem to get her romantic life in order to do? That's where Dating Coach Evan Marc Katz comes in, to help smart, strong, successful women understand relationships from a male perspective and eventually find their match.

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