Financial Tips for Surviving the Collapse of Civilization

"Mad Max: Fury Road" (2015)

Millennials are constantly being scolded and lectured by baby boomers who think that we don't know anything about finances. According to them, all our economic troubles are our own fault. They say that we don't believe in saving money for the future and that if we would just stick to a budget—cut out coffee shops and bars and stop wasting our paychecks on trendy, over-priced fixed-gear bikes—we could all own our own homes and begin planting some metaphorical seeds for a stable and secure retirement.

What these know-it-alls don't seem to realize is that, while we do believe in the concept of saving, our belief in anything like a "stable and secure" future has been strangled out of us by decades of inaction on climate change and the looming apocalypse it has brought on. None of their advice is even relevant to the meager subsistence that the lucky among us will manage once the world is reduced to a charred husk of human progress. That's not to say that "saving" isn't still important. If you do intend to be one of the survivors, here are some tips that might help you prepare your finances!

Don't Skimp on the Coffee and Alcohol

big coffee

When society collapses, money won't really mean anything. The same way that bitcoin prices could collapse tomorrow and a throw a lot of "millionaires" into poverty, those "dollars" in your bank account don't really mean anything if the government collapses. Your "savings" will have to be in commodities rather than currency.

A lot of people will tell you to put your money in gold and bury your fortune in your backyard, but we both know that you don't have a backyard, or a house, or a shovel. Besides, the value of gold is still pretty arbitrary. It has some very useful functions, but without a society in place to carry out those functions—to turn it into electronics and dental implants—it's mostly just a nice, shiny metal. Keeping some handy is probably a good idea, but the stuff that's going to be really valuable, after the flimsy structure of our civilization finally gives out, is the stuff that people truly need. Namely, drugs.

There will be demand for all kinds of drugs, but caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine will be your best bets. And since high-proof liquor and freeze-dried coffee are both compact and can be kept around more or less indefinitely, you should invest in a good stock to have on hand for the end times. Alcohol can also be used as a disinfectant, and coffee and cigarettes provide the added benefit of suppressing your appetite and keeping you alert when you've eaten the last slice of avocado toast and the wolves are circling.

Rent, Don't Own

rental

When world governments dissolve and the marauding hordes begin to roam the countryside, do you want to be tied down to one location—a house that you poured your savings into and probably doesn't even have an effective moat? Of course not. You want to be able to leave town in a campervan packed full of coffee and liquor at a moment's notice. Owning is for chumps who believe that a real estate market that collapsed because banks were too greedy will somehow survive as climate collapse brings on our collective doom. Along with decreased stress, maintenance, and upfront costs, renting also allows you to hit the fury road and never look back.

Get a Fixed-Gear Bike

fixed-gear bike

Speaking of that campervan, you'd better find a good, sheltered spot to park it, because once global infrastructure gives out under the tremendous weight of man's folly, it's not going to be good for much more than a place to sleep. Gasoline will start going bad pretty soon after the oil refineries shut down. If your engine runs on diesel—and you happen to have a way to store large amounts in a cool, sealed environment with fuel a stabilizer and some sort of biocide—you may be able to keep your vehicle functional for several years, but even then you'll probably want a backup for navigating the decaying roads. Something fast, functional, and easy to repair—like a fixed-gear bicycle!

Plant Some Actual Seeds

planting seeds

We are constantly being told that we need to develop new skills in order to compete in the modern world, but in the hellscape of tomorrow, the skills that matter most won't be coding or graphic design, but sowing, weeding, and pruning. However much you're able to store in freeze-dried rations and canned goods, eventually the food you can grow yourself is going to be among your most valuable assets.

Seed packets are cheap, small, and can last a number of years, but if you don't figure out how to take care of plants now, there won't be much point in opening those packets after society has been razed to ashes. Find a community garden where you can develop your green thumb, or at least have a go at raising some herbs on a windowsill, or a tomato plant on your fire escape. Once you've got the basics down, you can start learning how to convert your waste into safe and efficient humanure—so you won't have to compete for precious fertilizer.

With these simple rules in mind, you can start saving up today for a secure and stable future in the wastelands of our fallen empire.

PayPath
Follow Us on

A few years ago I was at Coachella, buying overpriced, under-seasoned food from a vendor who was particularly kind. Par for the course, all of these events are dominated by Square payments that provide the oh-so-convenient option to tip your gracious server. Oftentimes, the transaction is so quick, you’re wondering if you should even tip at all.

Keep readingShow less

Everyone can always use some extra cash. There’s gotta be an easier way than working overtime or wasting your life on obscure side hustles. I’m sure you’ve had friends say, “just invest your money, bro” – if only it were that simple. With so many personal investment apps out there, it can be tough to find one that’s right for you. Whether you’re looking for a basic approach, automated investing, or sophisticated trading tools – there’s an app for everyone.

Keep readingShow less

Best Personal Finance Apps for 2023

Photo by rupixen.com on Unsplash

It’s almost 2024, but if there’s one thing you don’t want to save until the new year it’s putting your finances in order. When it comes to tackling money goals, the best time to start is always yesterday. But these days — given our digital-first landscape and online bank accounts — financial success takes more than balancing a checkbook. But this doesn’t mean it has to be complicated. No matter your financial goals, from understanding your accounts to growing your wealth, there are many impressive personal finance apps that make it easier for everyone and anyone to understand their money.

Keep readingShow less